Please Read and Give Opinions Please? Good and Bad?
I checked the time five am on the dot. It wasn’t completely dark in the dingy hotel room it was that in between day and night dimness. The light from sunrise gleamed gently through the outdated orange curtains. They were embellished boldly with a yellow garish pattern it reminded me of the summer dresses my Aunt Penny use to wear. They really were hideous. Time moved slowly as I took in every detail of the hotel room the cheap off-white ceiling tiles made of polystyrene, the damp coming in through the sky light, the various mismatched furnishings, and the smell of tacky sweet peach air freshener. There wasn’t a stir just the murmur of the television of the room below. I think they were watching Jeremy Kyle I could hear the undertone of him telling the viewers his thoughts on this ‘scum bag’.
I crawled to the end of the bed to get Adam’s hoody I was cold my hairs stood on end, as a draft seeped in through the sky light. The smell of his aftershave still clung to his hoody and it was five times too big for me but I loved wearing it, it was comforting. It was the closest thing to him holding me I could get to right now.
I tiptoed over to the window and peeped through the curtains letting a glimmer of light shine through the room. The view was raw and beautiful, you could see London’s high rises, a concrete jungle, but the morning sky contrasted with it. The bright orange, pink, and indigo colours ran through the sky like a painting.
I slid the patio door open after much difficulty the handle was rusty and stiff to move the hinges complained as they let out a screech when I finally got the door free. I trod carefully on the balcony minding the shattered glass. I breathed in the cold morning air, taking in the extraordinary view. The scene was beautiful yet chaotic at the same time. Although there was an air of ugliness about the hotel my view told a different story.
The silence was broken by someone shouting “Hey let’s get out of here” it was Adam’s voice I looked around what the hell was going on did I just imagine it I rubbed the sleep from my eyes I sighed warily I guess I had. I thought I would just check so I leaned over the railings and then I noticed his car parked up on the curb. My heart skipped a beat I couldn’t believe he was here. I raced out of the hotel room taking only my black holdall running downstairs to meet him. It didn’t matter that my face was a mess smeared with black mascara around my eyes I resembled a panda, I was in my faded pink silk nighty my hair drawn back from my face with a hair tie.
I jumped into his arms wrapping my legs round his waist he held me tight. I lost myself in the moment. It had been a month, the longest amount of time we had been apart so far. So here I was in the moment I had been waiting for finally. His arms fitted round me perfectly like he was made to hold me. “I missed you” I whispered gently in his ear.
“Me too I told you I wouldn’t be too long” He replied holding me tighter now. Finally my feet found the ground again. I looked at his face now in the sunlight, I noticed the tears. I wiped them from his cheek
“What’s happened?” I asked concerned I had a bad feeling about asking him to do this from the start.
“Let’s go for a drive” he said after a long pause, I anticipated what he was going to say. I jumped in the car the icy leather seats gave my legs goose bumps.
We drove through the deserted streets, the bass from the music vibrated through the car, it was so loud I could feel it in my chest with every breath I took. Adam hadn’t said a word he didn’t need to say anything for me to know that he was hurt. I could read him like an open book. I touched his hand gently reassuring him. He pulled up in an empty parking lot, in a remote area. He turned to me I looked into his eyes they were full of sorrow.
“I don’t know where to start” he shook his head in dismay, he paused for a long time “I lost the money” each word came dripping from his mouth like another dose of poison.
“How?” I snapped back at him. I didn’t get it how could he loose the money we so desperately needed and relied on.
“I gambled it” he admitted his eyes were guilt ridden and tired.
“You selfish bastard” I spat the words at him venom filled and harsh. I punched him in the chest furiously. He clung on to my hands so I couldn’t move, I tried to fight back but there was no use I was exhausted and he was stronger than me. My heart sunk, how could he do this to me, how were we going to survive? I felt so betrayed. I put all my trust in him and this is how he re-paid me.
“I’m sorry that I’ve hurt you I never ever wanted to do that” he said slowly……. to be continued. Please include bad and good points thanks 
I like criticism to help me improve.
pretty please just as much as you can
you don’t expect me to read all this, do you?
You do not need to give a moment by moment detail of what she experiences. It is more important to describe how her surroundings reflect on her her state of mind/ mixed emotions on the return of her lover (brother?)
You have to let the reader fill in the details. If you waste time writing about what the ceiling tiles are made of and the pattern of the curtains, well, it is like taking your readers on a forced walking tour of their own living room.
You are creative and your story is lifelike. I feel empathy for and interest in the characters. You set moods well.
I assume you are aware of the many run-on sentences. That almost works as a writing technique, but I can’t quite decide. I’d say it doesn’t work, partly because you don’t have the skill for it yet. Because you neglect other types of punctuation rules, it just seems lazy.
Avoid cliches. Young writers often use cliches, which diminish quality. You described London’s highrises as a "concrete jungle." Don’t do that. It is over used.
You described the curtains in the hotel room well, but take out the sentence, "They were hideous." Your description should and does stand on its own to tell the reader the curtains are ugly. Don’t say the air freshener is "tacky." Describe it so the reader knows it is tacky. Just take out the word "tacky."
The biggest flaw I see in this piece is the unrealistic change in your attitude, from loving to hateful. You say you love him and "his eyes are full of sorrow," then you lash out at him, calling him a "selfish bastard." You say earlier you have an idea of what he is going to say. You should make a better transition into the anger and your other emotions like sorrow, confusion, etc..
Also "dripping from his mouth like another dose of poison" is too harsh for the situation; and "my heart sunk" should be "my heart sank" and don’t use that phrase anyway because it is overused.
Writing is hard work but rewarding. Keep at it. Read a lot as well as write.